Governor Voldemort and the Death Eaters of the Florida legislature slashed funding to Hogwarts

By Doly Penland

Governor Voldemort and the Death Eaters of the Florida legislature slashed funding to Hogwarts today in an effort to finally rid the world of a place that educates all students regardless of their blood, therefore creating a system best able to focus on educating high class members of Wizarding society. The Death Eaters' goal of dismantling education for all to focus on pure bloods is now closer to reality than ever before. "It's the parents' responsibility to educate their children," said the Dark Lord. "Cutting the budget will actually benefit students. And if their parents are Muggles and unable to properly train their children or pay to have them properly educated, so be it." As house elves already work free, Hogwarts staff cuts will have direct classroom impact, according to Senate Death Eaters. Hagrid and Snape's classes are both deemed non-essential studies. As Care of Magical Creatures and Defense Against the Dark Arts are no long considered core classes, both teachers will be let go in the upcoming school year. Divination will also be cut, although House Death Eaters say those teachers should have seen it coming. Quidditch and all other after school activities will be eliminated. Finally, Harry Potter and his schoolmates will have to find their own means of transportation to school as the Hogwarts Express operations and maintenance budget was also made to vanish.